Finding my way through the darkness, finding my way back to me.

“Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can’t tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I’m too young to understand
They say I’m caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don’t open up my eyes.
Well that’s fine by me.”

I remember the first time I felt gratitude.

I remember feeling it so intensely, crying the biggest happy tears I think I had ever experienced. I remember asking myself what is this feeling? Why am I crying? I feel so happy my heart could burst.

In that moment I knew it was gratitude.

I had heard people talk about this but had never experienced it before. And here it was. Here I was experiencing this.
Woah. It was beautiful.

I had just gotten back from a year abroad.
Where my life had changed drastically.

The last time I was in Canada I was 24 and now I was 25. The last time I was in Canada I was unhealthy. I wasn’t eating. I was extremely anxious and sad every single day. I was drinking and partying a lot. And I got to this moment. Where I was at my childhood home having a minute to myself, away from all the excitement of seeing everyone again and being embraced in the love and connection.

I opened my travel bag.
Dumped it out all over my bed and out flew over 20 boarding passes. Different Currency. My hospital bracelet. Pictures. Postcards. A smell like the ocean. Shells.
Memories.

I put my hand over my heart and then on my mouth in shock. It was like I had just realized how much I had done in that year.

Like seeing it tangibly right in front of me brought me to a place of “holy shit.”

I did this. I made this happen.
There was my dream, laying in front of me sprawled over my bedsheets.

“So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost”

Every single memory flooded through my being. My body got shivers. And I felt my heart explode in my chest with all these good feelings. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt before.

I sat there and cried for a good 20 minutes and just really sat with the feeling. It’s one of those moments I’ll absolutely never forget.

“I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
I hope I get the chance to travel the world
And I don’t have any plans
I wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life’s a game made for everyone
And love is a prize.”

Today I’m reminded of it.
Today I am reminded of the power of gratitude. Not only because it’s thanksgiving but because I’m sitting in my bed on this Sunday Morning feeling the vibes of the full moon. Feeling the shift that my life has been taking. Feeling into the gratitude of all the things I’ve been forced to let go of to welcome this new version of me.

I’ll be 29 in a few months.
Only a few more left of 28.

This year has been transformative to say the least. It’s been highs and lows to the extreme. It’s asked me to rise. For me to let go. For me to be completely myself.
For me to be completely present.

It’s been asking me to become the person I’ve always wanted to become. The person who fully accepts herself for who she is. So others can meet her there.

“So wake me up when it’s all over
When I’m wiser and I’m older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn’t know I was lost”

So in this moment I’m feeling that same sense of gratitude flood through my body and tears stream down my face.

After a few months of extreme purging, crying and releasing. These tears aren’t the same. They are happy tears. The gratitude ones.

The ones of finally feeling like I understand why the letting go happened.The ones where I understand the struggle.
The ones where I’m so thankful for every single experience. Where I’m so beyond happy that every person and stranger who walked into my life shaped it in a certain way. It makes my heart bleed the good stuff. The love that spills out into the world like a ripple. The gratitude.

It’s true that what they say, letting go and endings are actually the new beginnings. They are the beginning disguised as something painful. It’s all interconnected.

And now as I sit here. I feel myself change again. Just as I did that moment 4 years ago. Welcoming in a new chapter. A new cycle a new version of me who I haven’t met before.

“I didn’t know I was lost
I didn’t know I was lost
I didn’t know I was lost
I didn’t know I was lost”.

But this time. I’m the most confident I’ve ever been in I who I am. Because the woman that is writing this spent a huge part of her lost being lost, confused and unsure of where she fit in. Of where to go and who to be. But this version knows. Knows that the only person who she is suppose to be is her most crazy wild self.

Who loves the moon, the stars and talking about out of this world things. Who loves and feels intensely. And who wants to change the world.

I know this because this is who I came here to be. And all these people who blessed me along the way, have taught me that that’s okay. And that’s the way it was always suppose to be.

I have no idea what’s coming.
All I know is what is gone.

I feel hopeful in my heart that my highest good is being cared for and mended. My heart feels whole, rocky and scared all at the same time. Praying for good. Hoping for the best and believing that my world will only get better from here.

I surrender to outcomes of unknown.
I trust in the timing.
I believe in the good for myself and for all.
I know that wherever this path leads me, I am ready to take it on. I am ready to walk down this path with my head held high and the light within me guiding the way.

This is the time where I light my light for the world to see. And I encourage you too as well. The world will be so much brighter for us all.

This is where I begin from the start.

I start where I left off and I begin again. This is it. It’s here.

I walk through the door to this pathway made for me.

“Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can’t tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I’m too young to understand
They say I’m caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don’t open up my eyes.
Well that’s fine by me.”

This song has literally found me through so many transitions.

And always always hits home.

From partying to in the woods in Whistler to driving my new car down the streets of Vancouver. Flying over Australia. And dancing around my new place where I live alone.

It has a new meaning today.
As I step into the next chapter.

I’m not lost. I don’t have to carry the weight of the world on my own.
And I am wiser. And I am older.
But this time, I know I have no idea what’s coming and that doesn’t mean I’m lost.

It means I’m free to explore and create this epic life I want to live. What a blessing.

I’m awake now. I can see.
And I’m ready. Here I am.
I am me.

So finally this is my gratitude call out.

This is my thankfulness pouring from my heart rippling out into the world.

Thank you to the beautiful people who have crossed my path up to this point. Pointing me in a direction I didn’t know I needed to go. For showing me how to love, how to be loved, how to accept love. How to show up in love and as myself.

Thank you for supporting me.
For building me up when I was down.

For holding me when I couldn’t hold myself. For believing in me when I didn’t believe I could. For looking at me and seeing my power when I wasn’t able to.

Thank you for giving me this love I didn’t know existed.
Thank you.

Thank you for helping me find me.

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