The THING I want MOST of all….

Have you ever wanted something so bad.

Looked around and saw everyone around you with that one thing.That desire.That dream that your heart is longing for.

Have you ever?

I never considered myself to be a jealous or envious person. I never felt like my wants were a place of competition or comparison to others. I mean I strive to be supportive, encouraging and always empower people to chase their dreams.

But what was this feeling coming over me looking around at others who are living my dream? The dream I’ve been wanting for so long. The dreams I’ve been working so hard to obtain. The dream that constantly feels like an up hill battle.

Why was I feeling like it was easy for them? But so hard for me?

Why was I feeling instant jealously run throughout my body like that green eyed monster we were all told was ugly and not very nice?

Why?

It wasn’t always that way.

I remember looking at them and not understanding why that’s something they would want. I remember thinking how much better off I am without that in my life. I remember turning a blind eye and not even relating to that stage of life.

Then things started to shift.

Sure, I got older.

I started learning about others more and watching behaviours. I started to be with myself more and ask what I truly want from life. What was I searching for? I mean… what was this constant search outside of myself for something? I didn’t even know what I was looking for.

I remember being 24, sitting on a beach in the Whitsundays all alone. I sat there in complete solitude and watched the waves. I ate my dinner peacefully and rather slow. I felt a shiver run through my body as if I found something. Something that I had been looking for. I felt at home.

I felt this place give me a sense of calm and peace of being alone with myself. I felt proud for getting to that point. I knew I was at the beginning of discovering who I really was.

As I started to “evolve” more or aka. Grow up. I started to become way more aware. Aware of myself and my actions and those of others. I started to realize that connection and community was something I LOVED. But also loved being alone. I learned that finding a balance between the two keeps me at a place of beautiful bliss.

Something deeper started to change within me.

After traveling abroad for a year. Sometimes being with people and sometimes being completely alone.

I came back a 25 year old. I came back as someone who started to understand why people would want to be in relationships. Why they would want to share their dreams, interests, ideas and lives with someone else.

It took a long time.

A lot of pealing back old layers that were ultimately walls keeping me stuck in feeling like …
oh a relationship isn’t ever something I’ll want.

It’s taken a lot of digging deep and heading back to the surface of where this had all started from.

Now, I’m 28.

Now I’m the girl… sorry Woman, who desires, wishes, hopes and prays for the relationship of her dreams.

I’m the woman who’s been called out and questioned many times about WHY I’m not in a relationship.

You’re so pretty, why aren’t you with anyone?”
“You have so much to offer why aren’t you with anyone?

The list could go on and on.

For a long time this didn’t bug me.
But now… I won’t lie- it hurts like hell.

I even remember calling my mom and being low key bitter and asking her why would my friends want to travel with their boyfriends over me?

I honestly didn’t get it.

The truth is that as the layers started to come down I realized that I actually was subconsciously choosing to be alone. Choosing to not be committed.

Choosing emotionally unavailable people…. because so was I.

The truth was that I always wanted and desired connection but wouldn’t allow myself to go any deeperjust in case it would hurt on the other side.

Now I’m 28, and the thing I desire most is this relationship. The relationship to the person I’ve literally been dreaming about. The one who will choose me, over and over again. The one who will love and respect me in a way I’ve never seen before. The one who stays.

The one who doesn’t leave when things get hard. Who is physically, emotionally, mentally ready to dive in with me.

I’m still scared of this.
I’m still worried that I’ll get hurt.

I’m still sure that all my “stuff” will come up for me to work on.
I’m sure I’ll see my insecurities and jealousy in ways I’ve never seen.

But I’m finally ready to have the opportunity to grow in that area of life.

To share my life with someone else.

Now I look around and am constantly being met with couples together.
Getting engaged, married, moving in together, starting families.

It’s really hard not to question my life.
It’s really hard to not feel some form of envy wash over me.

I feel so happy for them.
I feel so much understanding for their journey to get to that point.

I get it now.

It’s hard to sit with the feeling of
But why doesn’t this happen for me?

I’ve come a long way.
I know this.

I know that I had a shattered heart for a long time, that never fully repaired itself.

I know that I chose to close myself off to the world of love and connection for a long time. I know that my heart wasn’t ready then… but it is now.

A year ago in a meditation I saw myself standing on a beach with a guy faded in the distance. As he got closer, a cage and bars dropped over top of me locking me into a small space. I put my hands on the bars and said “let me out!” He put his hands on the bars and said, “let me in!”

It’s been a year since that meditation that changed my life and really opened my eyes.

My heart is open now. I’m proud to be able to say that.

And that’s how it will remain.

It’s ready to step onto that wild roller coaster you all speak about. And with no hesitation it will stay open to receive and to give what I’ve been dreaming about for the longest time.

2 thoughts on “The THING I want MOST of all….

  1. This is one of your most beautiful and bravest blogposts I read so far. It’s a wonderful poetry and you feel your intentions right through your words. With other words: I LOVE IT! Thanks for sharing, lovely. You’re such an inspiration. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

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