I’ve spent my whole life trying to make sense of home.
To try and find a place that is my stability.
My security. The place that anchors me.
The place that feels safe, warm and comfortable.
It’s been 28 years of searching for a place in this world outside of myself and now, in this moment I realize I am my home. My body is my home. My heart is my home and my spirit is my home.
Multiple times now in my 20’s I’ve let go. Let go of the houses and many places I once considered to be my home. I would spend time building a foundation just to let it go. Maybe because I was running, maybe because my time there was up.
Or maybe because I needed to learn. I needed to experience the different places meant for me and my soul. My soul really craves new places and experiences – maybe I’ve been searching for a home this entire time.
As I transition into this new phase of life and leave yet another place I’ve considered home for the past three years, I’m met with fears about loosing this place. This space. My home.
“What if I don’t find a new home?”
“What if it’s not like this one?”
“What if it doesn’t feel like home there?”
The ego has me repeatedly asking myself questions of what if as I let go of my safety net. But I am my home.
I hear this passage as I write this. As a simple reminder to quite the ego and monkey mind. To remind myself of how many times I’ve done this before and the outcome it has brought to my life. And I’m reminded that I am home.
Home is me and I am home.
Home is my body where I feel most at ease. My body is the home that goes with me everywhere I go.
Funnily enough, I’m writing this during Cancer season. Right before the New Moon in Cancer and Solar Eclipse in Cancer as well. Cancer is the sign of the crab. The crab loves to be safe in its home. That’s where she protects herself and shields her from the world around her. Her home is her safe haven. Yet they can also shift into new shells and create new homes out of them. They mould into their new home.
Home is within each and every one of us. We are safe in our own bodies and we are lead into places by our souls which create a home of beautiful peace and harmony which reflects our personalities. Our outer home may be our shells but our inner home is our sacred space.
So what am I learning?
I’m learning to be okay with that fact that I’m a frequent changer of outer homes. I’m learning to be okay with changing my shell to reflect the inner world I’ve grown into. I’m learning that my body is my home and that is the space I need to respect and take care of the most. I’m learning that my outer world is a reflection of my inner world. I’m learning that as I grow and change my home will change as well.
I’m learning to honour my need for different destinations, places and spaces to be my shells at different times in my life.
I’m learning to develop a sense of my own home. What home is to me. By delayering myself from all conditions placed upon me consciously and subconsciously, I am getting to decide what, who, where, when home is to me.
So where does this leave me?
It leaves me with a theme surrounding my life at the moment. It is leading me to manifestations clearly reflecting HOME. Showing me that all I am currently calling into my life has a theme of the feeling of home behind it.
Everything I’ve written down. My BIG wishes. They make me feel at home.
The people I’m calling in, the relationships, the community, the work experience, the new places, THE place….The actual place I want to live. When I break it down, they all feel like home.
So what does Home feel like to you?
Does it feel warm, safe, free?
Or maybe it feels like a Van moving place to place waking up in the early mornings to new views?
Does it feel like a space that you’ve never been before?
Does it feel like a house filled with people?
Does it feel like another person?
Home is where you feel like you can be yourself. Home is where you can be as weird as you want. Home is where you don’t have to wear pants. Home is where love surrounds you. Home is you.
Home is within me just like it’s within you.
As my good friend Dorothy would say…
“There’s no place like home.”