A few weeks ago I felt like I was at the peak of emotional exhaustion and about to have multiple panic attacks. It felt hard to breathe- like I couldn’t catch my breath. My body was reacting and pre warning me for weeks. It was telling me to slow down. But I couldn’t, because accomplishing and checking off boxes was my priority. Until one Saturday afternoon it caught up to me. My body felt shaky, my mind felt overloaded and my heart felt like it was about to beat out of my chest. I was about to have a panic attack. In that exact moment I grabbed my phone and typed vigorously.
This was my letter to Anxiety.
Some days I feel like I’m running high speed on a treadmill that doesn’t stop or slow down.
It feels like a roller coaster I can’t get off.
Some days I feel myself slipping into the darkness of thoughts and a racing heart beat.
It’s like adrenaline that never ends.
Some days I feel like I’m on a high.
I feel like I’m creating and being the person of my dreams. I feel like I’m on top of the fucking world.
I smile at strangers.
I fuel my fire.
I support my friends and relationships in my life.
In those moments I’m confident and I believe that all the dreams I have will actually come true. There’s no doubt and no fear just pure love.
But lately I feel like I can’t catch my breath. Like you have completely taken over and crippled me from being that person I know and love.
It feels like I have no choice. Like I’m slipping lower and lower into the darkness and further away from the light.
I get caught in my head and the thoughts begin to go to places that I’ve never even thought up before. Fantasies turned into nightmares.
It scares me.
I’ve been here before and I don’t want to go back.
My heart feels heavy and my chest feels like there is literally a ton of bricks pressing down on it.
Like I’m not strong enough to pull them off.
Every time someone says “just breathe” I want to scream because don’t they understand, I’m trying my best?
It feels hard.
I want to release the pain.
I want to detach.
I don’t want to feel the burden of this unknown reality anymore.
Why do I care?
Why do I need to know every single answer to where my life is going?
I just want to feel free.
Free from my thoughts.
Free in my life.
Freedom of my time.
I want to have choice.
I want to feel myself breathing steadily again living happily. I want to be myself.
You are talking more and more to people that surround me these days.
You are in the front seat.
But you are not me, so why am I letting you be?
I need to breathe again.
I need to love and be loved.
I need to feel healthy and strong.
I need to feel like I’m moving forward to the place that aligns with me.
You come to me when I’m going through change. When I don’t know what’s happening next. You come when I need to detach and allow the change to present it self. When I need to let go most you show up.
I know you are my teacher and you mean well. But my body feels to heavy to bare this anymore. You do not own me and I am in control of how I feel in every moment.
You do not get to drive- I do.
You do not get to decide how the next moment will play out- I do.
Anxiety you are my teacher.
You are the tough one that makes me deal with things head on.
You push me to grow and defy the odds.
You make me really appreciate the days when I’m high vibes.
How do I release this?
How do I move forward through this uncomfortable feeling?
Anxiety, as I breathe in deep I let you go.
You no longer get to control my life.
Inhale, Exhale, Release.
After I wrote this I put myself into child’s pose on my bed. I put my hands on my ears to drown out the noise and took DEEP breaths. I rocked slightly back and forth and allowed my body to do what felt good, to release the energy.
Then I heard this message,
We’re showing you how to let go.
How to rest.
How to flow and just go with the motion.
Anxiety comes when you feel you need to know all the steps, all the answers to the puzzle of life. We can’t give you the answers you seek but we can give you the steps.
Break them down.
Follow your heart.
And take those big deep breaths.
Time is ALWAYS on your side.
Remember time is an illusion.
There’s a time and a place for everything to unfold. Trust your process as you start to unlock each of the doors to your wishes. You need the combination to unlock the codes. They will always open. But you have to put in the work here on the physical plane to get them to open.
Each door holds your desires and your wishes. We’re asking you how badly you want them. You will find the strength to do what it takes. You agreed to the hard work. Your soul made this agreement with us before you came to earth.
Remember you are always being guided.
Listen. Look. Feel.
We’re always with you.
Inhale and exhale as you take on the challenge.
Anxiety isn’t needed.
1 step at a time.
1 project at a time.
1 piece of the puzzle at a time.
You have got this.
In this moment I felt calm. I felt something come over me as if the Anxiety was being lifted. Like someone was literally lifting the bag of bricks off my chest. I felt supported and a small portion of my bravery started to return to me.
I continued to take deep breaths and move slow.
I focused on one thing at a time.
Anxiety isn’t ever fun or easy. It’s uncomfortable and effects us all in different ways. I wouldn’t ever wish an Anxiety attack on anyone. The darkness it brings is an intense moment of uncertainty while also showing us when and where to surrender more.
Breathe through it and allow the tide to move through you.
Feel it and release.
What’s on the other side is worth the crazy ride.